What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 04:57
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why did i forgive my father ?
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It was going to be , some day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Comes on , in middle age.
I will be 64.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I waited trembling.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She was in good health!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Would this be the day?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I couldn’t, believe it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was 9 years of age.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But, we were locked up after school.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I have no regrets .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im still living with it.
She wouldn,t have been !
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She loved him until the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was seconnd youngest,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What did i know ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We all went to grammer schools
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When she asked me how she looked .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My life is so biszare .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So, i spoilt her more .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
All the time i was locked up.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My family never makes their pension either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Especially a lifetime of it.
Ive learnt so much.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was scared of men, in general
Who then, do I blame.?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I said to her
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it wasn’t much.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I don,t even have a pension.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She found it foreign!.
I was very sick at this time too.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I think the readers, may guess!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were not on the streets..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And i lived it daily.
He knew the spot.
She married twice! .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He resisted the act ,that day.
This is soul school!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So whats the point in blame.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I write beautiful poetry .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One cannot live in the past .